I do my best (and worst) thinking at night. Not a whole lot gets filtered out. Nothing that I can prevent anyways. If one were to completely jump into my mind, you'd be lost in a maze of memories, worries, wishes, regrets, and random. You'd probably shoot yourself because they're all at once. These thoughts don't wait in line for their turn. They interrupt each other. They're downright fucking rude, that's what they are. I often wonder if I am the only one who thinks this way. Am I THAT much aware of my own thoughts? There's never an action that doesn't hesitate without getting an approval from me. There are times when I look out of wack from just thinking too damn much. It gets tiring. It gets depressing. It gets old. It gets the best of me sometimes. Hence the "space" in my social life. It's not that I don't want to be out there and have a good time. It's that I don't know how to function sometimes when I'm around a group of people. I try to remember how it was when I was younger. Everything had a flow. I was a social butterfly. But when you're caged in for so long, shit starts to get weird.
I started this blog because I thought it would be healthy for me. I'm beginning to think otherwise. I don't want to be THAT girl that puts her life out there for other's to feel sorry for. No, I HATE people like that. I see enough of it on Facebook.
And then they're are the positives in my mind. I really try to practice "spur of the moment" stuff. Whether it just be "getting out of bed and going to the store and not planning anything," to going to the gym, to speaking my mind, etc. I'm also tired of worrying about other's feelings before my own. If you know me, I'm the "sorry girl." I say sorry for everything even if it's not my fault. I'm practicing this "skill" DAILY. I get proud of myself too. I try to give myself credit when due without a doubtful thought lingering in the back.
I'm just trying to reinvent myself, over, and over, and over, until something sticks.
